from the September, 2012 issue of Kiai!

“That’s so Gay”—
Learning to Speak Up Against Microaggressions

 

By Kate Webster
Director of Violence Prevention Programs

That’s so gay! You’re so retarded! It’s so lame! He’s so ghetto! Are these comments forms of violence? At Thousand Waves we contend that these negative slights and insults are insidious forms of violence that if left unaddressed, can become dangerous. Self-defense and Violence Prevention professionals have begun using the term “microaggression” to describe brief and commonplace verbal insults, regardless of intention, that communicate hostile or derogatory opinions of someone’s race, gender, sexual orientation, size, religious affiliation, or ability. Given the nature of this form of violence, how should a self-defense program address it?

At a recent national Self-Defense Instructors Conference (SDIC), I learned more about this form of violence in a workshop titled “Microaggressions and Intersecting Oppressions” co-presented by Darlene DeFour, Associate Professor of Psychology at Hunter College, CUNY and instructor at the Harlem School of Ju-Jutsu and Self-Defense, and Sally Van Wright, a social worker at a progressive regional jail in Massachusetts and teacher at Valley Women’s Martial Arts Center.

SDIC is hosted annually by the National Women’s Martial Arts Federation (NWMAF) in conjunction with their annual Special Training for women martial artists. This past summer it was held at Oberlin College in Ohio and 12 TW members attended. Co-Executive Director Nancy Lanoue, TW Self-defense Instructor Susan Barney and I attended this session and learned valuable new ideas we have begun using to teach and inspire our self-defense students to speak up against this form of violence.

Did you know that microaggressions can have the same psychological impact as more overt forms of aggression? The presenters described being a target of microaggressions as like being stuck by a bunch of small pins repeatedly over time—the effect is cumulative and painful. In particular, they can negatively impact one’s self-esteem and sense of empowerment.

Some microaggressions have become so normative in our mainstream culture that we don’t notice them. Or if we do, we’re not sure whether we should speak out against them. Therein lies the danger as we can unintentionally perpetuate the cycle of violence without even knowing it. In a previous job, I once exclaimed in frustration, “that is so retarded!” Luckily, my strong and compassionate officemate, gently explained to me how such a comment is hurtful to individuals with intellectual disabilities because I was using it in a negative way. She was able to speak up in that moment, possibly because she knew that I didn’t intend any harm. However, many people say they just don’t know what to do in uncomfortable situations like these.

In our SDIC workshop, we practiced a “Stop, Drop and Roll” role play to learn tools to address and deal with microaggressions. In my scenario, I took on the identity of an elderly person and my partner played the role of an ageist bully. Instead of having to speak derogatory words, she was instructed to say a series of numbers, while using an insulting tone and body language. As she spoke these numbers in a hurtful way, I was instructed first to “stop,” meaning take a breath and pause, then to “drop” into my center to find calm and balance, and then “roll” by responding verbally and setting a boundary. The specific “roll” language we were asked to respond with was “Ouch… it hurts when you say things like that.” Saying a loud “Ouch” felt honest and good, and turned out to be a very effective way to set a limit. It stopped the offender in her tracks, which enabled me to add, as my officemate did, why such a comment was hurtful. I appreciated this empowering tool, and look forward to incorporating it into my self-defense instruction. 

Is it easy to take a stand and speak up for yourself, or for those who have less power and efficacy than you? No, it’s not always easy, but if we are committed to social justice, we will find a way.