from the December, 2010 issue of Kiai!

Dinner Table Defense: Holiday Edition

by Kate Webster, Associate Director of Violence Prevention Programs

“I was sitting at our holiday dinner table when my grandfather leaned over and muttered his usual racist aside. In times past, I’ve said nothing and then not succeeded in letting it go. Inevitably, it ruins my meal and my evening overall and I remain upset that I didn’t speak out against his hateful speech.

This last time, however, I used assertive communication skills I learned at Thousand Waves and said to him quietly, ‘I’m not going to listen to that anymore.’ Then I turned and talked to my other neighbor for the remainder of the dinner. While I wasn’t able to entirely let it go, the rest of dinner went smoothly and I did feel better by speaking up.”

Thousand Waves members often report stories like this to us. While visits with family are often filled with love and laughter, they can also have moments of stress and tension when negative dynamics surface and get re-enacted. At these times, our members use skills they’ve learned in our violence prevention programs to keep the peace and/or keep their sanity.

It’s not, of course, physical techniques they use but the assertive communication skills – boundary setting, de-escalation, and intervention. These skills are difficult to use with loved ones for fear of upsetting the family gathering. Yet members say that knowing how to speak their mind and resolve conflicts peacefully makes it possible to push past their uncomfortable feelings and take action if necessary. Interestingly, knowing that they can speak their mind, calm someone down or choose to disengage if an uncomfortable situation escalates enables some members to try again to connect with their family, even if it has been difficult in the past.

If you could use some help to stay calm and centered with your family this holiday season, check out the public resources on our web page that provides overviews of assertive communication tools.

These resources include:

In addition, sign up now and receive the early-bird discount for our Winter 12-hour Five Fingers of Self-Defense Course: $125 if you register by December 30 and $140 after that (scholarship assistance available). The course runs four Saturdays, from January 22 through February 12 from 1:00-4:00 at Thousand Waves.